Hey guysss! It’s been such a long time and I would apologize to you all for being so inconsistent with my work, but I should really be apologizing to myself. This past year has been filled with so much- but my good sis Kehlani once said, “Where there is pain, there is art” And, I thought that was so resonating that I might have to get that tatted on me somewhere lmfao. I had to dig deep within myself for this post because it’s something that I’ve just experienced recently. I wasn’t going to talk about it because it was so painful for me to dig deep in my subconscious and pull my story out, but I realized that this could save somebody’s life… And with doing research and finding that, “College students are not equipped to deal with dating abuse – 57% say it is difficult to identify and 58% say they don’t know how to help someone who’s experiencing it.” this post is for those who do not know how to leave their toxic situationships- or friends of those who are being abused and need to help their peoples out.
Today’s blog post is about something that many people-including myself have silently struggled with: Toxic relationships. It’s 2020 and we’re deadin’ this neowww!
The reason why so many people stay in these relationships is because it never started off “toxic” in the first place. In the beginning, these relationships will make you feel like you are on top of the world. There will be gifts, a feeling of an overflow of passion and euphoria, and let’s keep it a buck – probably the most amazing sex that you’ve ever had.
Now, the first step is being able to identify and distinguish when something no longer serves you. While every relationship is different, there are clear signs that you may be in a abusive situation.
Gaslighting : The textbook definition of Gaslighting is, “to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.” Examples of gaslighting includes, blatantly lying or denying, projection, or telling you that you’re crazy- even when your gut feeling is telling you to get outta there.
Narcissism : “excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance” The skill of spotting a narcissist will help you in more ways than just romantic relationships. The entitlement that that person has is undeniable. The fact that they expect that you will drop any and everything for them, despite whatever responsibilities that you have may be a sign that you are dealing with a narcissist .
Ask yourself these questions: Do they project their insecurities or anger onto you? Is this a result of you having to swallow your emotions or walk on egg shells in order to keep the relationship peaceful? Do you ever feel like energy has LITERALLY been sucked out of you? Are you no longer doing the things you love, and solely focused on your relationship? Do you ever hesitate expressing yourself because you’re afraid that it will backfire and your feelings will be seen as minimal- or even as you’re overreacting? Do you ever fear that YOU are going to do something wrong and be the reason to end the relationship? Do they walk in and out of the relationship often? Do you ever feel responsible for their feelings-while they take no accountability for their own? Are they possessive? Have they ever damaged your property? Do you make excuses for their actions or lie and blame yourself when your loved ones bring it up? Do you fear that one day they’ll get so angry that they will put their hands on you? Do they make you feel like you’ll never find anyone else to “love you like they do”? Do you ever feel like you can never satisfy them? Do they make you get out of character? Is there a big age gap? Do they often try to control you and get you to isolate yourself and not go out with friends or family? Do they use your past traumas against you? Do you find yourself apologizing for being the reason that they had a outbreak of anger? If after every attempt to leave, do they find a way to “One Up” their last gift to you? Ex: Flowers, food, poetry, jewelry, etc. Recognize it is a bribe for your heart and forgiveness.
No matter what, never blame the victim of an abusive relationship. If you are the friend of someone who is a victim, please be patient. I thank God for my friends every day for never giving up on me. No matter how many times that I’ve sobbed to them, screamed, broke down, and told them, “Fuck them! I’ll never go back. I hate them.” and turned around, and went right back to my abuser. My brothers and sisters have been by my side the entire way through. Understand that constant degrading, confusion, lying, yet at the same time reassurance, gifts, and ‘I love you’s” will cause a destructive internal tug of war and wound to someone. Also, be careful of saying “That could never be me.” Because life will humble you real quick.
Listen to me when I say, I’ve been told to never let anyone show me twice that they don’t want me. My body and my heart is not a revolving door that you can enter when you feel like. And that’s on periodt, love.
Feel free to read and enjoy my next blog post on tips on how to get over and walk away from your abusive relationship. Thank you for reading.
-Jeydah From Jersey